"endure, my heart..."

I have a quote from Homer's Odyssey pinned up on the corkboard behind my desk. "Endure, my heart; you have endured worse than this." And as much of a comfort -- well, not precisely a comfort, but a strength -- as it can be sometimes, I have realized it's not always true. At least once in each person's life, it has to be false. At least once, every person will have occasion to say, "this is the worst pain I have known." And unless your earliest memory -- or perhaps your first moment of life, depending on how you think of it -- is of the very worst suffering you will ever have, that quote will be false more than once. And when I realized that, I thought it an enormously depressing idea. You mean I have to suffer worse than I ever have before, and I have to do it more than once?! But, at the same time, thinking back on the worst pain in my life, even that thought is, in a strange way, a strength.

I was reminded of a line from C.S. Lewis's Perelandra -- which, remarkably, I remembered almost word-for-word. The hero was going to sleep one last time, knowing that in the morning, he would face his enemy, and fight him, and he'd darn well better win. And he thought, "at this time tomorrow I will have done the impossible." Hard as it will be, I will do it, or die in the attempt. And by this time tomorrow, it will be over. That's sort of how it feels, going through that pain, and knowing that that quote, true so many times, is false this time. This is the worst pain I have ever suffered. But here I am, suffering it, yes, but surviving it. This hurts worse than anything I've ever known, but I can get through it. I know I can get through this, because I am getting throught it. I can get through this.